Off The Bar: X-Files to investigate Yaya

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Mail
  • Pinterest
  • LinkedIn
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • WhatsApp
  • Pinterest
  • LinkedIn
  • Yaya Toure's Manchester derby disappearing act is one for Mulder and Scully to investigate.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for ridicule; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week, Off The Bar examines Yaya Toure’s disappearing act and how Tim Sherwood has mastered the dark arts of tactics.

    – #360view: Arsenal are Premier League contenders again

    FOLLOW: All the EPL action with our football LIVE scores

    Arise Sir Fellaini and Sir Young

    It had always seemed just a matter of time and Sunday’s 4-2 Manchester derby victory seemed to prove it – the Manchester United Kingdom has been liberated from the tyranny of mind-numbingly dull football. Off The Bar just didn’t expect Ashley Young and Marouane Fellaini to be United’s knights in shining armour.

    In recent weeks they have tuned from villains to heroes, riding through the flimsy dilapidated gates of Old Trafford on horseback (preferably the same horseback as that provides a sensational image) to vanquish the last traces of Moyes mediocrity that had conquered the once mighty fortress. All seems well once more – the pace is quick, the width is wide and the gates are shutting once more. Arise Sir Fellaini and Sir Young I can hear King Louis bark. Is it too late to write Marouane into the new Game of Thrones series?  I know there is a spate of devilish power-drunk psychopaths involved, but it’s nothing that can’t be counteracted by a Fellaini elbow.

    Yaya Toure: Paranormal Phenomenon

    While we clearly couldn’t resist getting sucked in by the all-devouring hyperbole surrounding Manchester United’s impressive victory on Sunday, there is no need for exaggeration when it comes to articulating Yaya Toure’s dire ‘performance’ on Saturday.

    Yaya’s contribution against Manchester United has become a paranormal phenomenon in its own right. Indeed, his presence in this game, and much of the last six months, has become literally non-existent. Off The Bar knows he was on the team sheet on Sunday, watched him come out of the tunnel and has subsequently seen photographs surface of a figure resembling him playing, but during the game there was no discernible evidence that Toure was on the pitch at all, zero trace.

    Either Manuel Pellegrini is opting to start with 10 players each week (that would explain the abysmal form) or much more likely, a former world-class midfielder is disappearing into thin air every time he crosses a white painted line — a phenomenon that has most recently afflicted Arsenal’s Mesut Ozil. Perhaps the Ivorian is producing his trademark surging runs and defence-splitting passes in a parallel universe (expect Sky and beIN to have the rights to Parallel Universe Premier League by the end of next year).

    Thank goodness the X-Files show is now starting up again as Mulder and Scully will be licking their lips with this case. It’s probably worth keeping them on the payroll after they’ve solved the conundrum — going on City’s defensive display yesterday, the investigative duo will almost certainly provide a more assured partnership at the back than Eliaquim Mangala and Vincent Kompany.

    The Manchester Boat Race

    Praise for United and ridicule for City aside, it was a fantastic full-blooded derby – burning with intensity and ferocious rivalry. This was in stark contrast to this year’s ‘Boat Race’ – an annual contest in England that sees Oxford and Cambridge University paddle furiously along the River Thames. The men’s race this year was as uncompetitive as it gets; Oxford, who secured victory for a third year in a row, won by a mammoth 19 seconds.

    It seems to me that this race needs ‘a bit of needle’ and a replacement derby that will absorb the modern day generation and garner lucrative worldwide appeal. That’s where Manchester United and Manchester City come in. The Premier League have famously been keen to set up a ’39th game,’ well here it is, on water. Admittedly a few modifications would have to be made. It’s fair to say that Louis van Gaal is a little big-boned to play the role of the small cox in the back of the boat, so he will have to follow on a jet ski and orchestrate his team’s very rigid 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation via a megaphone.

    It’ll be fascinating to see Vincent Kompany launch a totally unnecessary challenge on the opposition despite being separated by a body of water. Off The Bar is not sure how he will do it, but knows he will do everything in his power to try. There’s also the small fact that all Boat Race competitors have to study at one of the two elite universities of the world. Who wouldn’t love to see Fellaini’s afro balance a graduation hat or read Wayne Rooney’s 10 thousand-word dissertation on ‘The History of Pugilist Contests in Kitchens’?

    The Tim Sherwood Clasico

    Props to Tim Sherwood for securing what must have been a very satisfying win against his former employers on Saturday. The most astounding thing about the Tim Sherwood Clasico was the scoreline – 1-0. That’s right not 9-7, a 1-0 in which he constantly outmanoeuvred Mauricio Pochettino’s side with a diamond in midfield and some very well astute substitutions. This was a tactical intelligence of which his detractors thought he was completely incapable. In ‘silencing your critics’ terms, it was the equivalent of England defeating Germany on penalties thanks to five coolly taken panenkas, Mark van Bommel cleanly winning the ball without penetrating an ankle or Rocky Balboa grinding out a points victory over Ivan Drago courtesy of 12 rounds of masterful defensive blocking and dodging. Well done Timothy.

    Just Like Watching Crystal Palace

    Despite notching up an incredible five wins in six games, Alan Pardew came in for some ridicule at the weekend after suggesting that watching his counter-attacking side was “just like watching Brazil”. For those who saw the game, far from going over the top, ‘Pardiola’ did not go far enough with his comparison. If you watch back clips of Brazil in their heyday in the 1970s, you’ll actually see that watching Brazil is just like watching Crystal Palace. In retrospect, it’s now truly impossible to watch the movement, guile and clinical finishing of Pele in his pomp and not think of how striking his imitation of Yannick Bolasie’s sensational performance against Sunderland is. (This is probably the moment where Off The Bar should confess a lifelong admiration for Crystal Palace, but still, the point stands!)

    Follow Off The Bar’s Ben Davies on Twitter: @daviesnotdavis

    Recommended