OFF THE BAR: Frank's Chelsea love-in, Spurs stars Bernabeu bound

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  • Frank Lampard (l) returned to Stamford Bridge at the weekend, while the in-form Harry Kane (r) continued his impressive scoring form.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for cynicism; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week we take a sideways glance at Frank Lampard’s return to Stamford Bridge and the speculated departure of Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen to Real Madrid.

    THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS

    When Frank Lampard scored Manchester City’s late equaliser against Chelsea in September, the stage was set for an epic return to his old stomping ground. We all had ‘31/01/2015’ marked out on our calendars, waiting in anticipation. Forget the obvious importance of this game on the eventual destination of the Premier League title, the real narrative here was the return of Super Frank to Stamford Bridge.

    Frank Lampard salutes fans while playing for Chelsea and Manchester City.

    How were the Chelsea faithful going to react to their hero-turned-traitor turning up in their own backyard in a strip other than their own shade of blue? Were they going to burn numerous effigies of the man in front of the City bench? Were they going to sing offensive chants at the top of their voices about his family like Arsenal fans did to Emmanuel Adebayor a few years ago while, coincidentally, also playing for City? Would there be a pig’s head thrown on the pitch a la Luis Figo at Camp Nou in 2002? Would he, fed up by the abuse, flash the crowd a middle finger while going through his paces on the sidelines and then kick the ball into the Matthew Harding Stand in anger upon coming on?

    What happened on Saturday, however, was a letdown of massive proportions. The Stamford Bridge crowd opened it arms wide and welcomed Super Frank back like a prodigal son. Apart from a few boos that were eventually drowned out, the events of the night felt like an anti-climax as Frank waved warmly to fans as he warmed up on the sidelines. This was not what the whole world had waited for: surely the good people of Australia did not stay up till 4:30 am (of February 1!) to watch this cringe-inducing show of mutual admiration, neither did the people who defied sleep in Abu Dhabi to catch the game at about 10:30 pm plan for this.

    We wanted to see great animosity and instead got this trifling excuse of a football match. Even tempers on the pitch didn’t boil over, due in part to the FA banning Diego Costa for the rather mundane offence of merely stamping on some Liverpool players. When did football become this soft? Petrodollars may buy you world class players but what it can’t buy is heel-clipping and ankle-breaking hard-men of yesteryear, which frankly is a shame.

    Chelsea continued with their prototype of ambitionlessness in the games that matter, displaying the imagination of a damp towel, especially in the second half. City for their part couldn’t fashion out a decent chance and despite James Milner doing his best Yorkshire Figo impression, Sergio Aguero was left to feed off scraps in attack. Jesus Navas however was the game’s biggest disappointment, hitting cross after cross at the nearest man’s ankles, shins and whatever stood in his way. If City somehow claw their way back to win the League, Navas should be denied a winners’ medal simply for his atrocious corner kicks in added time. The Spaniard confirming to anyone with lingering doubts that he’s no more than a rich man’s Antonio Valencia.

    HARRY KANE AND CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN

    Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen continued their good run of form as they starred in Tottenham’s 3-0 win over a Pulis-ed West Brom on Saturday.
    Kane scored his 19th and 20th goals of the season while Eriksen converted what is now becoming a trademark Christian Eriksen ™ freekick. 

    With Gareth Bale not having the best of times with the Bernabeu crowd lately, it’s no coincidence that two Spurs players are having an outrageous spell of the famous purple patch. “REAL MADRID LINE UP MASSIVE £120M SWOOP FOR SPURS DUO HARRY KANE AND CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN” will be the screaming headline on the backpages of several British dailies in the summer of 2015 as Florentino Perez dials up Daniel Levy for the acquisition of Spurs’ brightest talents like they have done in the past. Spurs, as we all know are merely a production line for Real Madrid’s well-oiled machine. 

    So enjoy it while it lasts Spurs fans, for the ending of this is your worst nightmare. We’re now looking forward to a chilly winter day in 2017, Martin Odegaard mouthing off obscenities in Kane’s direction when the Englishman misses an open goal in Real Madrid’s 3-2 Clasico loss to Barcelona. You heard it here first.

    STURRIDGE’S SCORING RETURN

    Missing due to a series of unfortunate injury knacks, Daniel Sturridge became world class in absentia – a case of the Alberto Aquilanis – with Brendan Rodgers telling anyone with ears that the Sturridge-shaped hole in his squad was much harder to fill than the Suarez-shaped gap. And who would begrudge him for moaning and whining? When your team is forced to rely on Mario Balotelli, Fabio Borini and Rickie Lambert – who increasingly looks like a raffle draw winner in a ‘Who Wants To Play For Liverpool’ competition – you’re liable to say something, anything just to make you and your fans feel better.

    When Sturridge did return, though, he came back with a bang, scoring the decisive second in Liverpool’s 2-0 home win over West Ham on Saturday. “I am delighted for him. He has come back into the fold but it is just managing that integration into the team. It was better him scoring than not scoring because if he doesn’t everyone is looking at him wondering when he will get his first goal,” cheered Rodgers in what this column takes as a cheap dig to his only striker without a Premier League goal this term. You know who he is.

    SYMPATHY FOR THE VILLA

    Oh Aston Villa, where do we begin? Villa have gone without a goal since Christian Benteke’s opener against Manchester United in early December with Paul Lambert and a host of his squad members looking worryingly out of depth at this level. On Sunday, they were abysmal, lacking verve and invention and were perhaps lucky to have conceded only five goals to Arsenal at Emirates Stadium. Such was Arsenal’s dominance. In an unusual turn of events, Off The Bar can summon neither cynicism or witticism to Villa’s plight but rather it is feeling sorry for this baffingly average team. Spare a thought for the fans who travelled from Birmingham to London to watch this dross.

    WHAT WE LEARNED THIS WEEKEND

    QPR’s homesickness continued, losing 3-1 at Stoke on Saturday, but it is the manner of defeat that makes it incredibly hard to stomach. QPR allowed Jonathan Walters to put three past them. Three! This is the same Jonathan Walters who scored a couple of own goals and missed a penalty against Chelsea in 2013. That same Jonathan Walters. Off The Bar would be willing to stake its admittedly paltry lifesavings that if a list of underwhelming hat-trick scorers was ever compiled by an unrepentant pedant, Mr Walters would be atop such list. QPR deserve instant relegation for at least two years from the top tier and failure of the FA to impose such punishment would mean a huge dereliction of duty. The world waits with bated breath.

     

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