Off The Bar — Red Moon Supports Man United, Sanchez Born Ready

Ben Davies - Football Columnist 18:45 28/09/2015
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    • Alexis Sanchez's hat-trick against Leicester was the highlight of the EPL weekend.

    Sports360’s satirical little sibling Off The Bar savours a Premier League weekend that rained with goals and finally washed away a flurry of goal droughts.

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    There’s been a lot of apocalyptic prophecies doing the rounds this week as the world built up to witness a ‘red moon’ in the night’s sky. This was ultimately a false flag – the real ‘end is nigh’ eventuality actually hinged on whether Wayne Rooney would go 1000 minutes without scoring in the Premier League.

    Wayne Rooney Saves The World

    With Rooney putting in an atrocious performance against Southampton last week, a section of football fans accepted their fate — the ‘Rooney 1000 Paradox’ was certain to take place against Sunderland, and they began raiding their local supermarkets for survival rations and adapting their garden shed into a makeshift nuclear bunker.

    Thankfully Rooney prevented the Earth’s core from imploding with incandescent rage at the England captain’s wasted potential. He scrambled in a goal against Sunderland from close range in the 999th minute of the drought of all droughts. At first glance it was a goal only a mother could love, the ball pinging off Rooney’s kneecap before ricocheting off the goalkeepers palm and into the net. However, it did save the human race from complete evisceration so it should be regarded as a decent strike under sizeable pressure. We shouldn’t be too complimentary though, for Rooney’s recent success has already become mired in a 46-minute goal drought. Yes, the goal drought clock never stops ticking, especially for Wayne. 

    What then explains the red moon that the world experienced in the last 24 hours? If it didn’t denote the end of time, what did it really mean? Well it’s certainly notable that the celestial orb turned red at almost exactly the time Manchester United ended a weekend at the top of the league for the first time in the post-Ferguson era. Coincidence? Not for us. Off The Bar would strongly recommend that the English FA begin an investigation immediately and consider a 3-game Earth atmosphere ban. By showing it’s colours so brazenly and forgoing it’s traditional Premier League neutrality the moon has left itself open to accusation of bias — did Wayne Rooney really score that goal or did the moon overly exert it’s gravitational field to suck the ball into the net? Indeed, is this Ed Woodward’s most eccentric acquisition yet and how drastically does that effect United’s already bloated net spend?  

    Alexis Sanchez Born Ready

    Though goal shy Alexis Sanchez didn’t quite have the same responsibility as Wayne Rooney to shoulder, the Chilean will have been equally pleased to end his very own goal drought this weekend – having gone a mere 873 Premier League minutes without scoring. He netted a stunning hat-trick against Leicester City. Whilst some players end their goal droughts with a sprinkle of rain, Sanchez had giddily got behind the controls of a water cannon – power-hosing his early season with the goals that make him Arsenal’s joint top scorer this season.

    What is the secret to Sanchez’s mercurial talents? Well the answer was revealed after the match when Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri remarked that ‘the ball and him are born together.’ Whilst you have to feel sympathy for Alexis’ mother, that can’t have been a comfortable birth, it does explain the forward’s exceptional ball control. It’s often said that young footballers need to hone their ball skills at a young age and Alexis really took that advice to heart. Establishing his technique in the confines of the womb seems a good a place as any to start encouraging tight control skills. We’re not big fans of seeing endless baby scans flood our Facebook feeds but we would certainly reconsider that stance if the picture included a stylish Zidane roulette turn.

    Harry Kane Rekindled

    Harry Kane also put an end to his very own goalless wilderness, hitting home against Manchester City after going 640 minutes without scoring. This was a great relief for Spurs manager Pochettino, England boss Roy Hodgson and indeed Kane himself. Above all it was a relief for all the Photoshop hobbyists who had so artfully elevated Kane’s status last season – finally memes of Kane happily riding unicorns, playing the role of President and getting his face superimposed over aerial hurricane photos could be re-released back into Twitter again. No longer would they be criminally cooped up on desktops or undergo ropey re-edits involving Heung-min Son’s face. Within two minutes of Kane hitting the back of the net there were more pictorial variants on his messianic status than there have been audio variants on the pronunciation of Kevin De Bruyne’s name. That is no mean feat. 

    Eden Hazard Hoodoo Continues

    Whilst the trio of Rooney, Sanchez and Kane could enjoy their Sunday after being relieved of their weighty goal drought burdens, there was one Premier League superstar who could enjoy no such salvation — Eden Hazard. The Belgium international, who has a lower centre of gravity than a snoozing ant, has now gone 10 league games without registering a goal after failing to register against a revitalised Newcastle United. Last season he was carrying more passengers than a Jumbo Jet, but now the only thing he is carrying is this metaphorical monkey on his back. He had initially been credited a goal last week after his deflected strike against Arsenal but that has since been ‘rewarded’ to defender Calum Chambers. Just when he thought he had that aforementioned monkey off his back, the primate has clambered back on with the clingy ferocity of Japan’s rugby forwards. 

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