Off The Bar: Chelsea FC ruining football

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  • Diego Costa loves battering Swans, while Phil Jones remains better at gurning than taking corners.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for cynicism. Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday, as we take a sideways glance at the Premier League action.

    CHELSEA HAVE RUINED FOOTBALL

    Fresh off from being paid handsomely for Wilfried Bony’s services by Manchester City during the week, Swansea arrived at the Liberty Stadium punch drunk, having presumably spent a huge chunk of the largesse on frivolities the night before. Now, Off The Bar understands the irresistible nature of having more money than you actually need – this column spent its first big pay cheque on nonsensities – and indeed sympathises with Swansea’s band of impressionable young men but a game against Jose Mourinho’s rampant Chelsea is the worst possible moment for anyone to have an off-day. This is not Hull or Aston Villa, lads.

    Swansea’s imitation of a defence was all over the place and Chelsea ripped into them at will with the consummate ease of a hot knife through butter. Gylfi Sigurdsson generously laid the ball on for Oscar within the opening minute and the Brazilian accepted with the gratitude of a man unwrapping a Christmas present. The tone for the afternoon was set. Diego Costa grabbed his first of the afternoon with the now obligatory Cesc Fabregas assist and poetry was set in motion. Federico Fernandez, not to be outdone by Sigurdsson, was on hand to pick Costa out with a sumptuous back-pass. The Brazi-Spaniard did not miss what turned out to be his 5th goal against the Swans in just 117 minutes of Premier League football.

    Death and taxes are certainties – you can now add Costa scoring against Swansea to that list now. Chelsea strikers have a knack of handpicking certain teams and scoring against them as they wish. We know Arsene Wenger failed to sign Didier Drogba for just Dh 830,000 (£150k) and the Ivorian spent the best part of his Chelsea career punishing him. What’s Costa’s story? The whole world is interested. Chelsea made it four soon enough through Oscar, and Willian hit the post and upright before the half-time whistle. Costa and Oscar were on a hat-trick and Willian decided to go against the norm by shooting at the woodwork. Twice. What a hipster.

    The game was done at this point and we were all waiting for a few pertinent questions to be answered. Famous for getting his handshake in early in order to supposedly call his wife, we wanted to see how Jose would behave this time around. Would he be brave enough to shake Garry Monk’s hand before full time? Would Monk punch him in the gut if he did as Roy Keane promised to, back in September? Being the joyless spoilsport that he is, Mourinho didn’t treat us to the spectacle and demonstrated yet again how football misses its rare moments of eternal glory. The league is over now and the only sensible thing is to find another sport to follow. Mourinho’s juggernauts have ruined football beyond repair.

    QPR vs MAN UTD: A FIXTURE OF RELENTLESS INEPTITUDE

    There were several reports during the week that poor ol’ ‘Arry Redknapp would be sacked should his team lose to United, which frankly is a bit like promising to buy toys for your kid if Marouane Chamakh misses an open goal: both scenarios are gloriously inevitable. Bearing in mind that QPR’s last win in any form over United was months before football started – football started in August 1992, do you not know? – Redknapp was facing Mission Impossible.

    The opening half was dull and uninspiring, perhaps not a surprise given both sides are filled with expensively assembled mercenaries. Both teams served up a game so boring that silence fell upon Loftus Road and we could actually hear Louis van Gaal thinking about his philosophy. Wayne Rooney spent more time arguing with referee Neil Swarbrick than he actually spent playing football and Van Gaal managed to take a team containing Radamel Falcao, Angel Di Maria, Juan Mata and Rooney and make them play turgid, slow and ponderous football, which is no mean feat. Hats off to the man, it’s only a manager with touch of genius who could pull that off. Di Maria was on a one-man mission for a winter break, with the Argentinian continuing his holiday on the pitch.

    The best, however, was yet to come and when Phil Jones, with both hands held high in the air, swung in United’s first corner of the afternoon, football peaked. Forget James Milner playing as a false nine few weeks ago for City, this is the moment historians will re-tell for centuries to come. As you might have guessed his effort was hopeless but in an increasingly long list of awful corner kicks over the past year, this was much better than Iago Aspas’ or Rooney’s against Italy at the World Cup. “I was alive when Phil Jones took a corner-kick,” is the stuff stories told to grandchildren are made of.

    LVG brought on the Premier League’s resident Sideshow Bob and with perhaps his first touch of the ball, Fellaini nutmegged Clint Hill, a grave offence that should be punishable by an instant nine-game ban for the veteran defender. Never mind his rifled opener for United, this was Fellaini’s best piece of work. Redknapp turned to Adel Taarabt in what was a practical attempt at throwing the kitchen sink at the problem. James Wilson won it late on with the second bite of the proverbial cherry, leaving Falcao to hang his head in shame. “I don’t worry about the owners,” Redknapp said. It was a response limper than his team’s performance.

    SINKING INTO OBLIVION

    All is not well at Villa Park and Paul Lambert cannot pretend anymore. “I understand everyone’s frustrations – no one is more frustrated than myself because this is a great club. Do I hope they reconsider? That’s what you’re hoping for,” said Lambert in what was a spectacular case of missing the entirety of a point. In September, Villa were second in the table after three games with Lambert earning himself the most dubious contract extension ever in the history of dubious extensions. In a category that also regularly features Emmanuel Adebayor, it was an impressive effort from Lambert. Now the chickens have come home to roost and Villa are sinking into oblivion faster than a key dropped in water. In their last seven games Villa have a mind-blowing record of amassing more red cards than goals, with Christian Benteke’s goal against United their solitary effort in a period that has seen players sent off on four different occasions. Villa’s next two games are against Arsenal and Chelsea and it is difficult to see things getting better anytime soon.

    Similarly sinking without a trace are Hull City, who have contrived to lose four of their last six games while playing some hopeless football in the process. The Tigers have admittedly been incapacitated by injuries, but the players out injured are hardly world beaters. Curtis Davies looked lost at West Ham on Sunday and Andy Carroll had him for lunch at every given opportunity. This was a man who went on a campaign last season at the perceived injustice of him being left out of the England squad. Nothing more should be expected of a team captained by Curtis Davies.

    QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND 1

    “It’d be nice to win but getting three points is the most important thing,” said John Carver to Sky Sports prior to Newcastle’s game against Southampton. Thankfully he got neither or we would have needed to explain that winning and getting three points are the same thing.

    QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND 2

    “He is a young player with tremendous promise, somebody that I have tracked personally and this club has too, so that fitted well,” Pardew said on the loan capture of Yaya Sanogo from Arsenal while simultaneously calling off the work of weary sniffer dogs, his comments sounding more like that of a jilted lover checking on their ex-partner’s next move.

    Yaya Toure: Get that man a birthday cake!

    WHAT WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

    City have failed to win a league game without Yaya Toure since April 2014 and their barren run continued on Sunday against Arsenal. Little wonder the man was moping about a birthday cake in the summer. He knows his weight in gold to the Citizens. Just buy him a Bentley when he returns from the Africa Cup of Nations and watch the wins roll in. 

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