Off The Bar: Sherwood-ageddon & Falcao: Colombian Jack Bauer

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  • Radamel Falcao - The Colombian Jack Bauer.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for ridicule; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week, Off The Bar examines Tim Sherwood’s hot-headed approach, Jack Grealish’s perfect locks and Falcao’s alter ego Jack Bauer.

    SHERWOOD-AGEDDON AVOIDED

    Aston Villa’s 2-1 victory over Liverpool in Sunday’s FA Cup semi-final was no doubt remarkable – an almost perfect blend of hunger, composure and technical verve.  The only thing that outshone the achievement was Tim Sherwood’s ability to last 90 minutes without so much as a single real-time montage of joyful fist pumps.

    Off The Bar was terrified by this scenario as the feeling was that the uncorking of Tim’s pent up exultation would provoke an almighty volcanic eruption to spell the end for us all in an apocalyptic scene of director Roland Emmerich proportions. Under incomprehensible pressure, the magma of seismic joy coursing through Sherwood’s veins and into his clenched fists would surely have ballooned into the Wembley sky to deposit an all-consuming ash cloud of pride capable of delaying international flights across Europe and unleashing a pyroclastic flow of Sherwood jubilation that would swamp the pitch before swilling out from London and off the sides of the United Kingdom land mass. 

    And yet we all survived, Sherwood politely shook the hand of Brendan Rodgers and we all lived another day. We can only conclude that Tim has acknowledged the old superhero adage, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ — he has humbly learned that unleashing his great celebration superpowers with wild abandon must be held back on occasions as big as this. Aptly, he has clearly put an arm around himself and man-managed himself wonderfully.

    It is of course disturbing that the fate of the world may well reside in the hands and trembling fists of Tim Sherwood, but somehow it comes as absolutely no surprise whatsoever. If you can harbour the power to get Tom Cleverley playing consistently good football, then mustering the power to end the world is a walk in the park.

    GREALISH HAIR HEROICS

    Slickest midfielder in the Premiership

    Before skipping away from the triumphant Aston Villa, Off The Bar must reserve special praise for man of the match, 19-year-old talent Jack Grealish. While he deserves all the plaudits he has received for his supreme composure and crucial role in both goals, one has to commend the fortitude of his hair style throughout the game also. The deluge of slicked back hair, a glorious balcony over the shaven sides of his head, stayed totally fixed throughout – refusing to buckle to the whim of gravity and the centrifugal forces of running rings around Dejan Lovren. Even hair is exceeding all expectations under the Sherwood regime.

    FALCAO: THE COLOMBIAN JACK BAUER

    Radamel could be set for the 24 cast

    Inevitably the fall guy of Manchester United’s defeat to Chelsea was Radamel Falcao, who wasted a few half-chances against a famously prudent Chelsea defence. Despite his exorbitant wages, we don’t envy the constant weight of countdowns that the striker has to shoulder. Not a day goes by without headlines like ‘Falcao has 24 hours to save his United career’, ‘Seven days that will make or break Falcao’ and ‘Time almost up for superstar flop Falcao’. On reflection, this effectively makes Falcao the Colombian Jack Bauer, for he is constantly racing to find salvation whilst being besieged by incessant ticking clocks that are racing towards impending doom. 

    Just like Jack, pretty much everything that could go wrong has gone wrong so far for Falcao, but you still retain a hope and belief that he will show his quality and get back on the scoresheet – or indeed foil the detonation of a dirty bomb in downtown Los Angeles. Either achievement, he can’t be fussy at this stage, will do the striker’s confidence a world of good.

    WEST HAM ON THE BEACH

    West Ham’s weekend defeat to Manchester City means they have now not won an away game since mid-December. No wonder then that this year’s ‘they’re on the beach already’ label has been firmly slapped on the steadfastly mid-table club. They are a team that have spent so long on the beach that they now have more genetic similarities to the common sand crab than they do to a homo sapien.  

    Indeed, the football boot has now become a totally alien piece of footware for Hammers squad members. How else to explain James Collins’ wonder own goal? With zero danger around him, he proceeded to clear the ball by lobbing it over his own goalkeeper with an utterly beautiful shank. Imagine an own goal version of Zinedine Zidane’s inch-perfect penalty against Italy in the 2006 World Cup Final. Now imagine that again with James Collins in speedos, flip flops and Ray-Bans on and you’ll get the perfect picture of what happened.

    LEICESTER WINNING STREAK GIVEN ROYAL SEAL OF APPROVAL

    What on earth is going on at Leicester City? They have now strung together three victories in a row. What was the turning point, where has this come from? While some may suggest that Nigel Pearson has finally managed to blend tactical intelligence with just the right amount of UFC fighter aggression, we actually think the Foxes have another individual to thank — a 530-year-old King of England to be precise. Let us explain.

    In 2013, King Richard III (who was knocking about with a shiny hat on in the 15th century) was found buried and fatally ill under a car-park in Leicester. On the 26th of March of this year his body was given a much more respectful re-burial at Leicester cathedral. Since that very day, Leicester City have gone on to defeat West Ham, West Brom and Swansea City – smashing in seven goals in the process. You can’t help but see a direct link between the two. Along with a new manager or a great new signing, it would appear that unearthing and then reburying a monarch does wonders for a team fighting relegation. How long before Chris Ramsey and Sean Dyche are seen standing over the resting place of Henry VIII with a spade? Oh and what is Leicester City’s sponsor name again – that’s right ‘King Power’. We know, we’ve just blown your minds.​

    Follow Off The Bar’s Ben Davies on Twitter: @daviesnotdavis

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