Off The Bar: Chelsea's curse, ghoulish Gomis & Sherwood's hamstring

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  • It was another eventful week of Premier League football.

    Off The Bar sets it’s satirical sights on unique solutions to the shortcomings of London’s two biggest clubs, recoils from another haunting Bafetimbi Gomis celebration and admires Tim Sherwood’s ever-skilful idiocy.

    Chelsea to ban letter ‘P’
    The terrifying curse of the ‘P’ has struck once again for Jose Mourinho. His weekend defeat at the hands of Alan Pardew means his last seven league defeats have come against managers whose surname begin with the ever foreboding letter ‘P’. Forget his side looking like they have had their talent sucked out of them by extra-terrestrials in an intriguing Space Jam sequel – it’s that lethal letter that holds the biggest threat to Chelsea defending their Premier League title. 

    — Squawka Football (@Squawka) August 29, 2015

    So what to do? Off the Bar suggest they treat the problem like any another issue at Stamford Bridge – cannon lots of cash at it. Roman Abramovich should get out his chequebook and sign the letter P from the Alphabet. With John Stones going nowhere, this seems like a sensible back up plan and redistribution of transfer warchest money to reverse Chelsea’s fortunes.

    With P’s image and usage rights signed to the West London club, Mourinho can finally take the P out of the English diction and leave it to rot in the reserves.  Pardew, Pulis, Pellegrini and co have all shown themselves to be admirable adversaries against the Blues, but will they fare so well as Alan Ardew, Tony Ulis and Manuel Ellegrini? Surely it would be an irrevocable knock to them and their side’s confidence, not to mention a disaster for the kitman. The savvy move also means Chelsea fans will save two pounds when they get the name of ex-Barca midfielder Edro ironed on to the back of their shirts. Everyone’s a winner. Except Newcastle’s Aiss Cisse.

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    OG is the new Benzema
    This trend of looking beyond traditional player selection changes to remedy poor form could really benefit Cheslea’s London neighbours Arsenal too. 

    The early expectation was that Oliver Giroud would be Arsenal’s top scorer this season but that’s not quite transpired. The initials OG are certainly spot on though. Yes, an up and coming new recruit is currently sitting pretty as Arsenal’s top scorer. His name? Own Goal. We’re not sure where Arsene Wenger picked him up but the prodigious talent has probably ricocheted his way through the imperious French Clairefonraine academy, spun back devilishly on to the Eurostar and glanced off onrushing traffic and through the Emirates gates.

    Gunners’ fans have recoiled at the identity of their new top scorer but they and their club should really be embracing him. Goals are goals no matter how they come, and OG clearly has a poacher’s eye for goal — you can’t argue with a 50% goals per games success rate. 

    If Arsenal have any hope of challenging for the league title this season they must play to OG strengths and build their team around him, just as they would for any top scoring forward. Bringing the best out of OG means always smashing the ball into a crowd of players and hammering pin-point passes towards Wes Brown’s shins. If all goes well, OG and the more selfless Deflection could be the most prolific forward combination since the heady days of Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp.

    Ghoulish Gomis
    There’s only one thing that has divided football right down the middle this season, even more than the halfway line itself — Bafetimbi Gomis’ infamous goal celebration. Until now, we’ve kept our own counsel on it — less because we’ve been weighing it up and much more because we have been prone with fear ever since we first saw it rolled out at the end of last season. Our silence is no more. Whilst most football fans cheered his winning strike against Manchester United yesterday, we sprinted to the back of the living room to rock in the foetal position behind the sofa.

    The demented eyes, the look straight down the barrel of the camera and the on all fours clawing and clambering is straight out of classic Japanese horror film The Ring. 

    Whilst most people see a talented 30-year-old Frenchman scampering around like an cantankerous cat, we see a young possessed girl crawling out of our flat screen TV. It was extra terrifying given it took place against the unadulterated horror show of Romero’s chocolate-wristed goalkeeping.  Off The Bar is all for interactive sports broadcasting (one day we hope smell-o-vision will allow us to sniff Giroud’s heavenly hair. We reckon it’s a mixture of pear and mint). But let’s hope we cut short any ideas of hologram projections — allowing Gomis’ celebrations to extend any further into the living room could be the end of us.

    Backheel backfires
    Tim ‘Timpact’ Sherwood suffered some severe misfortune on the sidelines this weekend. He tore his hamstring in two after ‘trying to backheel’ a water bottle in frustration at a questionable referee decision. That does sound indescribably painful, but let us first and foremost commend Tim on going down the flamboyant backheel route to show his disdain. Whilst the likes of Wenger go for a bog standard boot to the bottle cap, clearly Tim has a more cultured and continental approach to thwacking drinks containers. It’s a positive thing to see English managers breaking against stereotype to show a bit of flair and emphasis on technique. Bournemouth’s Eddie Howe was bubbling with fury after a late penalty appeal went unanswered at the weekend — we’re looking forward to rolling back over the tapes to see the young English manager punish the water bottle with a delicate Cruyff turn before clipping the nozzle back and forth with a perfectly executed Zidane roulette turn. 

    Hats off to you Claudio
    Elsewhere on the sidelines this weekend, Claudio Ranieri’s amiability level once again went through the roof like a mistimed Wayne Rooney volley. Normally dressed solely in a dapper suit, this weekend he opted for overlaying said suit with a baggy tracksuit top and an unfeasibly small baseball cap. The outfit appeared to be the result of the manager taking part in a 30-second trolley dash through the Leicester City club shop…in the dark. 

    Whilst the adorable look was ultimately an insult to the fashion world, it was a huge compliment to Tony Ulis. Before Ranieri’s calamitous step into the Premier League manager headwear world, we hadn’t truly appreciated the apparent ease and authority with which the West Brom boss pulls off the baseball cap look. For all the praise heaped on the Welshman’s ability to repel relegation, we must always remember first and foremost — no one can don a baseball cap quite as perfectly as he can. Nobody does it better. Tony, this one goes out to you…

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