Off The Bar: FA Cup shocks to make Harry Potter proud

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  • Sporting Gryffindor colours, Bradford weaved some FA Cup magic

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for cynicism; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week we take a sideways glance at the English FA Cup action.

    HALF DOSE OF MAGIC

    In the forlorn hope that there would be an upset of David and Goliath proportions, Off The Bar turned its attention to Manchester United’s trip to lowly Cambridge United on Friday night. Surely there was no way a team languishing in League Two obscurity could pull off the impossible against financial behemoth United, a club with a wide range of sponsors bordering on the ridiculous, from ‘Official Diesel Engine Partner’ to ‘Official Savoury Snack Partner’. Perhaps to understand the financial gulf existing between these two Uniteds, the final word should be left to their inappropriately named manager, Richard Money: “We’re not wealthy enough to give any of our shirts away,” he said. “So if they give their shirt away they’re going to have to replace it,” before swiftly adding that a jersey costs £39.99 in the club shop with the terrifying and assertive tone of everyone’s least favourite PE teacher.

    The build-up to the game was about Louis van Gaal’s itchy backside on the United bench when the Dutchman was quizzed about his team’s tactical set-up, “We have won more with 4-4-2 in a diamond, but when you analyse the games then we have twitched our ass on the bench.” With Van Gaal adopting a new euphemism for ‘squeaky bum time’ it was another nail in the coffin of Gary Neville’s comments on United standing against the immediacy of modern life. He doesn’t play by the rules, this man.

    The pantheon of great Manchester United wingers: Kanchelskis, Giggs, Chadwick and Ronaldo.

    In the end we had to settle for a half dose of Cup magic as Cambridge were unable to find a winner but they earned themselves a lucrative day out at Old Trafford which should cover their running costs for the entire season so all is well with the world again. With the Cambridge players unable to swap shirts with their more illustrious opponents, one has to spare a thought for Adnan Januzaj who must have looked forward to getting hold of Luke Chadwick’s shirt, his childhood hero, of whom great tales must have been told to him. It’s like being invited to an ice-cream parlour and then being denied even just a scoop of the tasty buckets of creamy goodness. Oh, the horror.

    MAGIC! MAGIC!! MAGIC!!!

    If someone had told Off The Bar that Friday night’s half dose of magic was merely a pre-cursor to the chaotic and exciting madness that would follow on Saturday, we would have told them to get their heads checked. As Saturday’s events turned out however, Cambridge’s heroics were merely an appetiser to a deeply satisfying three-course meal at a $2000-a-night hotel. By some sheer sorcery, Chelsea, Manchester City, Southampton and Tottenham all contrived to lose home games that looked easy pickings – at least on paper. Ignore the blinding lights of the Premier League and the expensive glamour of the Champions League, this is the real deal. The FA Cup in all its undiluted glory.

    The last time Manchester City played Middlesbrough in the Cup, the game was decided by Benjani  Mwaruwari’s solitary strike at an half-empty Riverside Stadium and the most important debate in football was the flight of the Jabulani prior to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. To say both teams have taken completely different routes would be an understatement as City have won two Premier League titles while Boro are still not out of the Championship doldrums. The phrase ‘Magic of The Cup’ is often bandied around to cringe-inducing decibels by several English commentators yearning for the lost glory days of the mid ‘70s, but at the Etihad on Saturday, that Harry Potter touch was in full swing.

    City, fresh off from warm-weather training in Abu Dhabi, were all over the place, creating little in attack and defending like a band of hurriedly assembled six-year olds – with all due respect to hurriedly assembled six-year olds all over the world – and ‘Boro’s first goal, courtesy of Chelsea loanee Patrick Bamford could easily have been taken out of a Charlie Chaplin highlight reel. Boro rode their luck at times and had goalkeeper Tomas Mejias to thank for some outstanding saves either side of half time but on the whole, Aitor Karanka’s men were full value for their victory. It could have been more misery for City anyway, were it not for some excellent saves from the otherwise shaky Willy Caballero. It was yet another performance from Manuel Pellegrini’s trusted stalwart that ensured Joe Hart would sleep more soundly at night.

    Boro could even count themselves unlucky when Lee Tomlin absolutely ‘Bergkamp-ed’ Vincent Kompany with a deft turn inside out only for his effort to hit the base of the City goal. What a goal that would have been. If it helps City feel better however, Yaya Toure’s Ivory Coast couldn’t beat Mali in the African Cup of Nations, suggesting both could do with a much-needed reunion quickly. 2-0 at the Etihad, it’s becoming a familiar scoreline.

    While City were on the ropes at home, Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea were two up against Bradford and making light work of their League One opponents. Then news filtered in to this column that The Bantams had pulled one back. “Surely not” was our reaction, dismissing the half-time scoreline with the wave of a hand. Then came the equaliser. Then Bradford went 3-2 up. At this point, it was becoming unbelievable and when the fourth official indicated seven minutes of additional time, we knew it was only a matter of time before Chelsea grabbed an equaliser or perhaps a last-gasp winner. It was crushingly inevitable.

    What followed was sweet, maddening chaos as Bradford somehow conjured a fourth at exactly the fourth minute of added time. If you were worldly and cynical, you’d be forgiven for assuming this was an elaborate scheme of pure wizardry. It put paid to Chelsea’s overly ambitious dreams of a quadruple and added to Bradford’s recent rich vein of form in cup competitions. Bradford, it should be recalled, had that memorable run to the League Cup final in 2013 – defeating Arsenal and Aston Villa in the process – only to lose 5-0 to Swansea at Wembley. The stage is set for their 6-0 loss to Crystal Palace in the fifth round.

    UNLIKELY GOALSCORERS

    In what was already a full bouquet of FA Cup goodness, there was the added spectacle of the most unlikely of goalscorers getting on the scoresheet over the weekend. Marouane Chamakh, undoubtedly buoyed by criticism on these pages last week, scored not once, but twice as Palace stunned Southampton 3-2 at St. Mary’s Stadium. The second was an absolute peach of a strike, too, making onlookers rub their eyes in disbelief. Surely, Zlatan Ibrahimovic had not somehow found his way into the Palace team. Yaya Sanogo also found the net and we were all left wondering what next to expect on this day of unlikely events.

    Elsewhere, Tony Pulis coaxed two goals out of Victor Anichebe in their 2-1 victory over Birmingham and Darren Bent scored on his full debut for Schteve McClaren’s Derby in their 2-0 win over Chesterfield. Bent would be forgiven for helping himself to a large slice of schadenfreude, with Villa strikers in the middle of a serious goal drought and Paul Lambert previously suggesting he isn’t good enough.

    With Anichebe, Bent, Chamakh and Sanogo all getting on the scoresheet on the same day, there’s no greater proof to remind us that the apocalypse is much nearer than we first thought. Pack your bags, the end is nigh.

    QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND

    “The other day a coach of a big team was knocked out of the Cup and he was saying, ‘Good, very good. This is perfect for us. Now we can focus on the other competitions. ‘If I lose against Bradford, I don’t say that. I say it’s a disgrace.” Jose Mourinho may be famed for his tactics and despicable character but one thing he obviously isn’t is a psychologist, as his attempt at reverse psychology on his Chelsea players backfired spectacularly.

    WHAT WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

    On Sunday, we were treated to the annual three-week fiesta reminding us of Tomas Rosicky’s ability. In what was a Man of The Match performance at Brighton’s Amex Stadium, the Czech international was excellent. It won’t last. 

     

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