Off The Bar: Harry Kane impersonates Marcus Stewart

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  • Tottenham got the better of their London rivals courtesy of two well-taken goals from this season’s top Marcus Stewart impersonator, Mr. Harry Kane.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for cynicism; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week we take a sideways glance at Harry Kane’s best Marcus Stewart impersonation and Nigel Pearson’s touchline fraca with James McArthur.

    ARE YOU STEWART IN DISGUISE?

    Saturday was the day North London’s football fans were waiting for, the day form supposedly goes out of a wide-opened window and the city’s bragging rights belonged to whichever side emerged victorious. North London’s bragging rights now belong to Mauricio Pochettino’s Tottenham as the Lillywhites got the better of their more illustrious neighbours courtesy of two well-taken goals from this season’s top Marcus Stewart impersonator. Harry Kane is enjoying the most purple of purple patches and his second goal in particular was a lesson in how to defy the laws of physics by leaping up in the air for a few seconds before cushioning the ball past the stranded David Ospina. Or perhaps it was a lesson from Laurent Koscielny in how to lose a striker while acting like a hare blinded by the bright lights of an oncoming train.

    Arsenal, for their part, stuck to the formula that served them so well at Manchester City, ceding a large percentage of possession to their hosts while hoping to catch them on the counter attack. And they did just that. Danny Welbeck, returning from the first injury of his nascent Arsenal career and preferred to Theo Walcott on the right of the Gunners’ attack, left Danny Rose for dead with pace to deliver a cross for Olivier Giroud on a platter. The Frenchman’s miscued shot fortunately fell to Mesut Ozil who rifled home his volley from close range. If Welbeck had done that to Rose, one shudders to think of what Walcott would achieve with his searing pace in such circumstance. Presumably, Walcott would have left him behind in an entirely different postcode. That proved to be Arsenal’s only noteworthy attacking move and Rose had the better of Hector Bellerin all afternoon long with the young Spaniard offering him acres of space that a half decent left back would have made prudent use of. Nabil Bentaleb was extremely effective on his return from Africa Cup of Nations duty and if emerging reports are to be believed, Arsenal have officially written to the Premier League asking that the Algerian allows Santi Cazorla out of his deep pockets for their next game.

    With Spurs now a point above their crosstown rivals, Arsenal are now in full crisis mode, as they always seem to be. Being the only club one defeat away from full-blown crisis is oddly remarkable and the Gunners are now in dire need of a quick fix. Luckily, Leicester City will be in town on Tuesday and all should be well again in Goonerland.

    TITLE RACE = OVER

    If last week’s draw at Chelsea offered Manchester City hope of somehow clawing their way back in the title race, Saturday’s barely deserved draw against Hull merely leaves them hanging onto second place. City have failed to win any of their games in all competitions since the 3-2, New Year’s Day victory over Sunderland which as you might recall coincides with the time Yaya Toure last played for them before jetting off to Equatorial Guinea for African Cup of Nations duty with the Ivory Coast. Off The Bar cannot quite fathom how a team as expensively assembled as City’s can be heavily reliant on just one absent member. “We have no doubt about how important a player Yaya is. But we play other games without Yaya and we could win,” said Pellegrini. This was just a manager consoling himself and trying to raise dampened morale.

    City were mind-blowingly poor, with the first half being a strong contender for their poorest of the entire season. Stray passes, clumsy first touches that Romelu Lukaku would be proud of were the order of the day and their overall play was ponderous and slow. City resembled a Sunday League outfit – with all due respect to Sunday League outfits – and inexplicably made Hull look like world beaters, which in itself is a punishable offence. In the end, James Milner’s moment of David Beckham-esque brilliance levelled matters for City but with a gap that now extends to seven points behind Chelsea, the title race has now reached its inevitable conclusion.

    SIX-POINTERS EVERYWHERE!

    With the title race now well and truly over, the excitement in the Premier League has come from the unlikeliest of sources. Forget the five-way battle between Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs, Southampton and Liverpool for the remaining two Champions League spots, it’s at the foot of the table where the race is intriguingly unpredictable with every passing week. And what could be better than two teams facing the grim prospect of Championship football squaring up with each other? Nothing, that’s what. It’s like getting a weekly dose of your favourite television crime series, you desperately look forward to the next episode despite being only halfway through the one right in front of you.

    The five teams competing for two Champions League places.

    Alan Pardew continued his one-man mission to keep Crystal Palace up, winning the fifth game of his six-game long reign as the South Londoners managed to pick Leicester’s pockets to steal all three points at the King Power Stadium. The result leaves the Foxes firmly rooted to the bottom of the table and with their next three fixtures being trips to Arsenal, Everton and Manchester City, their supporters may be forgiven for preparing for life back in the Championship. Surely, it was fun while it lasted. The only shame was that the six points gained by Palace wasn’t reflected on their points tally.

    The only man capable of saving Leicester from the funk they have found themselves in is weaving magic from under his hat at West Brom and he was in full throttle on Sunday, with his team coming from the dead to earn a 2-2 draw at Burnley as Sean Dyche’s team threw away a two-goal lead for the umpteenth time. Brown Ideye, the only rival to Mario Balotelli in the worst signing of the season stakes, grabbed only his second League goal of the campaign and with that has compensated for all the lost time.

    QUOTE(S) OF THE WEEK
    Harry Redknapp.

    January 18, Harry Redknapp: “Do I look like I feel under pressure? When I get home I’ll take my wife for a nice meal, then in the morning wake up and take my dogs for a walk. My life’s very good.”

    February 3, Harry Redknapp: “I’m struggling so badly now, I can’t walk, I can barely stand and watch. I’m in pain all the time. I’ve been putting it off, and putting it off, but it has got to the stage where I cannot do the job.”

    It’s amazing how 11 straight away defeats and a lack of transfer window activity can make a man go from happily walking his dogs to needing surgery on his knackered knees.

    WHAT WE LEARNED THIS WEEK

    All evidence suggests Nigel Pearson is out of his depth at Premier League level, but what he is not is dull or uninspiring. In a world where managers spout clichés and toe the company line more often than not, Pearson is a welcome break from the norm. Two months after being banned for a game and fined Dh56k (£10k) for swearing at one of his own supporters, Pearson was involved in a touchline fracas as he appeared to put his hands around the neck of Crystal Palace’s James McArthur in a move that many WWE superstars would approve of with a nod and a cheeky smile. In the probable event of Leicester going down, their football won’t be missed but Pearson would leave an indelible mark in our hearts. 

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