Off The Bar: Sterling Cup and Brand Adam

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Mail
  • Pinterest
  • LinkedIn
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • WhatsApp
  • Pinterest
  • LinkedIn
  • From L-R: Sterling, Adam and Ozil are all undergoing changes of image for very different reasons.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for ridicule; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week, we look at Raheem Sterling’s cash-grabbing and the repercussions of Charlie Adam’s wonder goal.

    Embrace the money grabbing 

    Will Raheem Sterling stay or go? Two things are for sure. One – that was a pretty awful first interview on Saturday with his potential future employers – stumbling over his words and appearing totally at odds with his wondrous CV. Two – he really, really doesn’t want Liverpool fans to think he is snubbing a new contract because he is a ‘money grabbing 20-year-old.’ 

    That was the main message to come out of his apparently unsanctioned, unauthorized, unofficial, un-everything interview last week. The Liverpool fans’ reaction on Twitter was colder than a polar bear sucking on a fresh-out-the-freezer lolly, and that feeling didn’t defrost any further after Saturday afternoon’s no show. 

    They simply don’t believe him, but I think Liverpool – both the fans and the club – are being overly cynical here. It may well be that Sterling is a money-grabber because he enjoys the very literal action of grabbing money. He’s never gone on record to deny that and thereby it has to have an element of truth. After all, there’s no smoke without fire. And so the club must quickly snap out of the malaise of being thumped 4-1 by Arsenal and harness, not reject, Sterling’s cash-cuddling obsession. 

    The Crystal Maze solution

    What to do? We suggest inspiration should be drawn from the very popular early ‘90s UK Quiz-come-physical and mental endurance show ‘The Crystal Maze’. At the finale of each episode contestants were let loose in a huge 10 ft crystal-shaped dome where they were tasked with grabbing as many gold tokens (which are blasted around by gusty air vents) as possible in the space of 60 seconds. It was all tremendous fun. 

    In our scenario, we simply swap the gold tokens for money – pumping Sterling’s current weekly £30,000-ish salary in there. It’s a chance for Liverpool to save money, whilst allowing Sterling to satiate his money-grabbing ways. We can see him now, gleefully sprinting around the Perspex cage at Melwood training ground clutching bank note after bank note to his bosom and giggling like a little school boy running through a pile of Autumn leaves.

    The Raheem Sterling Cup 

    If Liverpool don’t go down this route, which I fear is a real possibility, it’s feasible that Raheem, the lovechild of Prince and the Roadrunner, will have his head turned by the allure of the aforementioned high profile suitors, Arsenal. There are reports from Sterling ‘and his camp’ that he is determined to play in the Champions League next season. So as it stands, with the Gunners looking odds on for another season at the top table of European football, it looks very much like Brendan Rodgers and Arsene Wenger will be grappling like sumo wrestlers for Sterling’s signature. Who will win and who would look better in a sumo nappy? 

    If we take the former (it’s probably for the best) and bear in mind that Wenger famously said he views a Champions League spot as a ‘fourth trophy,’ we come to the biggest question yet – should Raheem Sterling be that fourth place trophy?  The answer has to be a categorical yes. If Arsenal do secure their annual Champions League spot, it’s only right that Wenger is presented with Sterling on the last day of the season, triumphantly lifting the 20-year-old into the air amidst tickertape, pyrotechnics and champagne spray. Light, well sculpted, highly robust and potentially spray painted silver for good measure – he could easily double as a trophy, both in the ground and on the open top bus. With the title race done and dusted, The Raheem Sterling Cup avoids a never-ending summer transfer saga and gives the Premier League a much needed last day of the season climax. Win-win. 

    Ozil party a perfect mirror of Arsenal career

    In a press conference ahead of the Arsenal-Liverpool game, Arsene Wenger defended Mesut Ozil and explained why the midfielder had been spotted having fun at a night club in Berlin just hours after missing out on the Newcastle match because of an apparent flu.  The explanation? The German was only popping in to a friend’s birthday party for 30 minutes to wish him well. 

    This whole scenario has a fascinating similarity with Ozil’s match-day contribution against Liverpool on Saturday, indeed his contribution this season as a whole. His presence, whether it be on a guest or squad list, builds up great expectation but ultimately, he only turns up for half an hour before slinking out of the action and off into the night. We all know a pal you can rely on to ‘do an Ozil’ on a big night out. 

    In his defence, he can conjure up sudden brilliance from nowhere, the sumptuous free-kick goal a case in point. You can bet your life that he was an exceptional partygoer for some moments of his brief attendance in the night club too. He likely drifted off the flanks near the toilets to the centre of the dance floor (where he can be more effective), bewitching those around him with a technically sound robot dance before showcasing some excellent vision to effortlessly deliver a bottle of beer through a crowd of rowdy clubbers and safely into the path of his friend’s outreaching hand. Majestic. You can also be sure he was hailing a taxi shortly afterwards. 

    Charlie Adam joins the club

    After countless seasons of finding new and impressive ways to pile-drive the ball over and around the general vicinity of the goal from speculative distances, a mentally fatigued law of averages has finally wilted to the demands of a certain Stoke midfielder. And so, David Beckham, Luis Suarez, Wayne Rooney, Xabi Alonso will you please welcome the latest superstar inductee to the ‘Premier League Goals From The Halfway Line Club’…Charlie Adam. Indeed Adam also joins the ‘Premier League Goals From The Halfway Line After Breaking Cesc Fabregas’s Nose Club’. Let’s hope that that is an exclusive club, especially as little Cesc was only 9 when Beckham thwacked in his iconic goal in 1996.

    That of course was the moment that sent both the ball and Beckham’s career into the stratosphere and gave birth to Brand Beckham. Will Brand Adam take off in the same way after scoring his very own goal for the ages? Which girl group beauty will have Charlie in their sights and will prospective new pals Tom Cruise and Will Smith be licking their lips at a night out with Adam, Shawcross, Walters and co? They’ve mastered their fields, sure, but can they hack a cold wet Tuesday down the Glebe? And of course – will we see our buses showcasing saucy snaps of Charlie posing in Armani briefs? We’ll leave you with that image…

    Recommended