Off The Bar: Mourinho vs Robots, Martial, Sherwood Vanishing Act

Ben Davies - Football Columnist 13:04 14/09/2015
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    • The battle of Mourinho vs Robots is not just an excellent idea for a movie.

    Off The Bar has finally been awoken from international break hibernation and shaken off its satirical slumber to gleefully greet the return of the ever brilliant and ever bizarre Premier League.

    – GALLERY: Cristiano Ronaldo’s key La Liga milestones
    – #360WIN: A trip to watch Bayern Munich vs B Dortmund with Lufthansa
    – #360VIEW: History repeating for Chelsea’s Jose Mourinho
    – LA LIGA: Messi inspires Barcelona, Ronaldo’s mind-blowing record

    Computers Crash Chelsea

    Both Hollywood and even Stephen Hawking have long predicted that computers will one day rise up and fight back against their human masters. It appears that the rebellion is now well under way in the Premier League. Whilst Chelsea were emphatically beaten 3-1 by Everton on Saturday, Jose Mourinho revealed post-match that his side was also dramatically undone and outplayed by computer technology:

    “The moment is so negative that everything goes against us. At the tactical meeting we had this morning, even the computer broke. Everything goes against us”

    The battle of Mourinho vs Robots is not just an excellent idea for a dystopian science fiction B movie, it’s undoubtedly set to be a key factor in the Premier League title race this season. It’s hard to bat away Jose’s concerns that computers are launching an orchestrated ‘campaign’ to take him down. Indeed, during the game a tweet from Jose’s teenage son appeared to mock Chelsea’s performance and on Sunday thousands of Chelsea fans were sent a merchandise promoting email with the subject line ‘A Hat-Trick of offers’ — just a day after conceding a humiliating hat-trick at the hands of Steven Naismith. Too soon marketing department, too soon.

    Were these really poorly timed human errors, or were they coordinated attacks from the mighty 1s and 0s that lurk just about everywhere? Jose is certainly within his rights to ask the increasingly robotic Branislav Ivanovic to take a medical — just to make absolutely certain Chelsea’s defence have not been infiltrated by a malevolent android with non-existent pace.

    It’s hard to know where this all began (a mutated virus from Ed Woodward’s problematic deadline day fax machine perhaps?), but it will be fascinating to see how things will develop from here. Whilst the anti-Chelsea cyborgs have clearly gained an upper hand, they should be weary of an instantaneous backlash from the Portuguese manager. No doubt right now Jose is holding a mock press conference in the Stamford Bridge computer server room, trash talking the mainframe by showing reruns of I Robot whilst simultaneously pressing Ctrl Alt Delete and commandeering the groundsman’s pitch sprinklers. Don’t be surprised if the automated league fixtures machine posts a revision that all remaining Chelsea fixtures will take place exclusively at home to Sunderland.

    Thierry Martial

    It seems that Manchester United have a much firmer grip on controlling technology for it appears they have successfully cloned a young Thierry Henry. As many United fans will excitedly tell you — Anthony Martial’s magnificent solo goal against Liverpool on Saturday was freakishly identical to Henry’s slalom run and strike against the Reds back in 2004.

    Off The Bar can only assume that during the many years that Henry tore United apart, Sir Alex Ferguson was carefully collating genetic material from the Frenchman — a hair in the Old Trafford shower plugs, saliva from a Lucozade bottle nozzle, skin cells from Jaap Stam’s elbows. Henry 2.0 must have been incubating nicely at Monaco for a good decade (no wonder no one has heard of him) and has now finally been cracked open for Louis van Gaal’s use this season. There have clearly been a few failed prototypes in the past with fellow Frenchman David Bellion hatching before he was ready, but so far it looks like the egg timer was used correctly this time. On reflection, and ethical quandaries aside, £36 million pounds to achieve a seismic feat in human genetic engineering and a fresh from the box Thierry Henry now seems like mighty good value.

    Daley Dolphin

    As a final ode to the wonders of technology, we have to raise our glass to Adidas for producing one of the most bizarre videos ever to travel through the internet pipes. Just minutes after Daley Blind scored the opener against Liverpool, the sports giant released a psychedelic video of the Dutchman riding a dolphin across the Old Trafford turf.

    It’s left Manchester United supporters a little confused and probably slightly worried – the strong rapport and understanding on display between the Holland international and Flipper’s cousin may give the ever eccentric Louis van Gaal certain ideas about how to upgrade his centre-back partnership.  Lest we forget, dolphins are hailed for their intelligence and superior communication skill. This January may well see the first ever transfer between a football club and Sea World. Spare a thought for Phil Jones – getting displaced by Chris Smalling is one thing, but being superseded by an aquatic marine mammal will be touch to come back from.

    Villa Vanish

    Back in 1983, American magician David Copperfield performed the greatest disappearance trick of all time – instantaneously removing the Statue of Liberty from the New York City skyline. Finally that incredible feat has been superseded by the incredible vanishing acts on display by the Aston Villa defence Sunday. Despite being 2-0 up and cruising, the back line suddenly evaporated into thin air in the final half hour of the game against the increasingly irresistible Leicester City. 

    After the third goal flew in you can actually see a bamboozled Claudio Ranieri walk on to the pitch scratching his head and desperately searching for hidden mirrors and looking up Tim Sherwood’s sleeves. If ever you needed proof of the magic on display at the King Power stadium yesterday, just take a peek at this video evidence of Sherwood himself seemingly getting in on the disappearing act. A bit like the manager’s erratic grasp of tactical expertise – now you see it, now you don’t.

    Pellegrini-Pardew Rematch

    Manuel Pellegrini is so often the epitome of calm, but there’s clearly something about Alan Pardew that makes all of that composure collapse like a derisory Saido Berahino transfer bid. In early 2014 the two exchanged language more flavourful than a spicy Chicken Jalfrezi curry, and they were at it again at Selhurst Park on Saturday. On this occasion, Pellegrini pulled Pardew back because of a perceived trespass into his very own technical area.

    It was highly impressive to see the Chilean’s dedication to perimeters — as well as highlighting a future career in border control, it was a fine display of positional discipline that explains why Manchester City’s have a magnificent record of conceding zero goals so far this season. 

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