Off The Bar: Thriller in Rooney's villa, Phillips wonder goal

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  • Ding Ding: With a guard like that, it's no wonder Wayne Rooney was knocked out by Phil Bardsley.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for ridicule; Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday. This week, Wayne Rooney is caught red handed, or should that be red nosed, getting knocked out by Stoke’s Phil Bardsley. 

    FIGHT CLUB

    Firstly, do we take Rooney at face value here, that this was a pretend scrap? Admittedly the presence of marble flooring and a kitchen sink are indicators that the ‘Thriller in the Rooney Villa’ was not a World Boxing Organisation sanctioned bout, but that doesn’t mean something deeply nefarious wasn’t taking place either. Was Rooney a ring leader of a Fight Club, a murky underground society where international captains let off steam by grappling with Stoke City squad members? How long before we see leaked footage of Gianluigi Buffon clutching Glenn Whelan in a choke hold or Neymar attempting a roundhouse kick on Ryan Shawcross? Sobering stuff.

    Even if we dismiss that water-tight theory, an even bigger question raises its hair-transplanted head – what on earth is Phil Bardsley doing in Wayne Rooney’s kitchen? We’re all assuming they must be pals, but what if they’re not, have the Manchester Metropolitan Police stopped to ask this question? For all we know big Bardsley, renowned for getting an upper hand in matches through physical intimidation, may have taken things up a few gears by invading the Rooney residence. While I’m not totally dismissive of the dark arts of Stoke City on the pitch, interrupting an opponent’s cornflakes to give him a thump in the chops is taking ‘off the ball challenge’ into worryingly unchartered territory.  

    Most intriguing of all about this incident is that Rooney ended his goal drought just six days after – scoring two goals against Sunderland. Coincidence? This fact certainly poses a conundrum for the under pressure Louis van Gaal. Given this knowledge, there must surely now be a temptation to knock Rooney unconscious two days before every match to unlock a goal avalanche. Along with ‘do I play 4-4-2?’, ‘do I rotate my squad?,’ the now ‘do I repeatedly knock out my captain?’ quandary is added to a list of tricky questions Van Gaal has to ask himself each week.

    DE GEA DEFEATED

    Concussed or unconcussed, Rooney and the entire Manchester United side were sensational in a  3-0 victory against Tottenham Hotspur on Sunday – the positives were plentiful; Chris Smalling had periodically resembled a semi-professional footballer, the team had gelled together more intensely than Marouane Chamakh’s scalp and most impressively of all – David de Gea’s run of 63 Man of the Match awards in a row had finally been broken. To top it all, Van Gaal’s biggest vision had paid off – the gamble to convert Rooney from dogged defensive midfielder into a top quality striker had inexplicably worked, solving the club’s striking crisis in one fell swoop. Inspired.

    INSULT TO INJURY AT STADIUM OF LIGHT

    Last Week, Off The Bar focused its attentions on a pitch invasion but it was a pitch evacuation of sorts that took most of the headlines on Saturday, with huge chunks of the Sunderland crowd leaving the ‘Stadium of Bleak Ever-Reducing Light’ at half-time. They had just watched their side make a complete porridge of the first 45 minutes against a resurgent Aston Villa, conceding goals so soft they made melted marshmallows look like they were made from impenetrable steel.

    It’s entirely apt that Sunderland are nicknamed the Black Cats.  It’s oft said that it’s bad luck to see a black cat cross your path – by that token, the city of Sunderland must have been exposed to biblical herds of black cats running amok – such is the club’s spectacular commitment to miserable mediocrity. This was summed up by Seb Larsson’s failure to start the second half until several minutes after it had started. Sure, he was receiving treatment but at the cost of leaving his beleaguered side one man down – never has a player so perfectly embodied the phrase ‘adding insult to injury’. Will Sunderland owner Ellis Short finally sack  Gus Poyet? It depends whether he is a stadium half full or a stadium half empty kind of a guy.

    CONSOLATION GOAL OF THE SEASON

    Goal of the weekend was won outright by QPR’s Matt Phillips, who essentially completed football by scoring a 40-yard stunner. A thing of beauty amid a truly grim team performance – this goal was the equivalent of finding the Mona Lisa pinned up above a set of clogged-up pub urinals.

    The earth-to-air missile was a consolation goal in QPR’s 3-1 loss away to Crystal Palace. The military reference is fully justified here. The shot was hit with such ferocious power and ruthless accuracy that we can only draw one conclusion – Matt Phillips is part of a multi-million dollar weapons testing programme (yet another flagrant disregard for Financial Fair Play by QPR). His right foot has clearly been modified to have rocket propelled nylon-net seeking capabilities and I for one cannot wait to see where the Pentagon programme takes Philips next. A logical next step is a jet-pack to provide Phillips with a greater aerial presence at set-pieces.

    SUBSTITUTION OF THE WEEK

    The Arsenal-West Ham match saw the substitution of the week take place, with the supposedly injured referee Chris Foy making way for super-sub Anthony Taylor. We say ‘supposedly’ because the footage we’ve seen doesn’t show Foy sporting any kind of notable limp. Which begs the question – was this the very first tactical substitution of a referee in football history? Now that would be something special. Sadly there is no footage of Foy leaving pitch-side but Off The Bar certainly likes to think Foy ripped off his shirt and slung it to the ground, before rejecting a handshake with the linesman, thwacking several water bottles, launching an unsightly gesture at the crowd and marching down the tunnel in an almighty huff.

    One thing we definitely did see was the complete farce of Foy handing over endless technological gear to Taylor – from headsets to goal line buzzers, watches to sprays and more. Imagine Robocop playing strip poker and you’ll get a sense of things. No wonder so many referees don’t want to carry out further technology improvements in the game…they literally can’t carry it out, it’s too bloody heavy. 

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