Off The Bar: Ghost of David Moyes past

Almost a year to the day since David Moyes was sacked after a miserable defeat to Everton, Manchester United delivered an eerily meek repeat performance on Sunday – getting whipped and whisked 3-0. No motivation, no inspiration, no aggression, no heart, no desire — all in all more no’s than the chorus of sensational Eurodance smash hit ‘No Limits’.

It was almost as if the side were rendered paralysed by the Ghost of David Moyes past. Playing at the very location of the Scot’s Premier League career burial ground had clearly conjured up a curse from beneath the Goodison Park soil. How else to explain one-time transfer flops Marouane Fellaini and Juan Mata completely deserting their recent fantastic form and contract wrangling foe Wayne Rooney picking up an injury?

Subscribing to the classic horror movie cliché, each player split off from the group, ambling in completely different directions and inevitably getting chopped to pieces by a merciless Everton as a result. Creepier still, if you draw the lines between all the passes made in Everton’s excellent counter-attacking opener you will clearly see the craggy outline of David Moyes’ face laughing hysterically. 

It’s hard to know how exactly the curse was released — perhaps a United player foolishly uttered their former manager’s name three times. Whatever the case, United will need to take a leaf out of The Exorcist’s book before their next visit – beating back the curse with the promise of pure total football. The power of  Louis van Gaal compels you! The power of Van Gaal compels you!

David Moyes right now pic.twitter.com/5UEAnSFVIU

— Troll Football (@Troll__Football) April 26, 2015

Defensive offence

Off The Bar highly respects the skill of defending resolutely, especially when under continuous bombardment from the opposition, but we can’t applaud the outbreak of joy amongst Chelsea players at the final whistle after grinding out a 0-0 draw against Arsenal. If you watched it, you will recall Chelsea players streaming into the centre of the field celebrating akin to a mob of Apple fanatics at the launch of the latest iPhone model.

Maybe the giddy fist-pumping pyrotechnics of Terry and co will kick start a new trend for marking solid defensive displays? If John O’Shea and Wes Brown scramble a clean sheet in future weeks can we expect them to knee slide into the corner, arm around one another, thumping their club crests in utter delirium? We don’t know which Premier League defender currently has a baby on the way, but we’ll be sure to keep an eye out to see if they mark a commendable block by forcing the ball under their shirt and sucking their thumb.

Harmless Hammers

Talking of 0-0 draws, West Ham, who achieved that scoreline against QPR on Saturday, continue to glide towards the end of the season like an aloof, care-free and slightly mangy London pigeon. In last week’s edition of this column, we ridiculed the Hammers for ‘being on the beach already’. Kevin Nolan and Sam Allardyce were impossible to watch without imagining them in Hawaiian hula skirts necking cocktails from coconut shells. Well all is forgiven. It turns out we couldn’t be more wrong. As it stands, West Ham will be off the beach and back playing football sooner than any other side in the Premier League.

Hope West Ham do win fair the play table so Big Sam can do a broadsheet interview highlighting how we’ve got him all wrong

— Prestige Tweeter (@JackBaker1311) April 25, 2015

That’s because they are currently in pole position to secure a place in July’s opening qualifying round of the Europa League. That’s all courtesy of their world class fair play record. Yep, despite David Ospina executing the Rock Bottom on Oscar on Sunday, and the general existence of Lee Cattermole, the Premier League has one of the best fair play records in Europe and thereby gets an extra European place for it’s most physically polite side.

The Hammers didn’t score against relegation battlers QPR, but who cares — they didn’t pick up any yellow cards. Heroes! Burnley are breathing down West Ham’s necks for the precious spot, so it’s still all to play for. In the absence of a title race or a Champions League qualifying race, this will have to act as our season climax. We recommend the Hammers seal the deal by strapping pillows to their knees, sponges to their elbows and best of all – the audio dreamland that is bubble wrap on boot studs.

Watford Park promotion tradition

Watford were confirmed as the latest inductees to the Premier League at the weekend after securing promotion from the Championship. Rather bizarrely, the all-important news filtered through to the team whilst they were on their stationary team coach. After defeating Brighton 2-0 away they retreated to their bus while they waited for later games to finish. Cue absolute ecstasy when results elsewhere fell their way and the transition from promotion chase to a relegation battle next summer was triumphantly confirmed.

GRACIAS DIOS, una vez mas puedo decir que no es solo fútbol!! @watfordfcsays somos de #PremierLeaguepic.twitter.com/vRk6eSQIXb

— Miguel Layun (@Miguel_layun) April 25, 2015

This is certainly a very novel way to see in your entrance to the Premier League. Jumping up and down like jubilant battery farm hens doesn’t quite tally with the traditional image of going absolutely potty with teammates and fans strewn across the pitch. For all the comfort of generously padded seats and over-head air conditioning, they are not promotion celebration essentials.

Indeed the limitations of a coach are quite severe for this scenario — spraying champagne everywhere will almost certainly lose you your deposit and trying to unwrap a 25ft ‘We are going to the Premier League’ poster for the press is a logistical nightmare. Any hopes of performing the team Klinsmann will have to be knocked on the head too – think of the carpet burns let alone the lack of space. And getting the fans involved is a near impossibility unless there is a real hunger from the club to ‘do the double’, with promotion to the Premier League and Guinness World Record for most humans on a bus.

In another more palatable parallel world, Chelsea and Watford would have been in opposing places – Watford on the pitch and able to drink in their moment to wide acclaim and Chelsea privately celebrating parking the bus…in their parked bus.