Off The Bar: Glenn Murray spoils Steven Gerrard's big day

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  • Out on a loss: Gerrard.

    FAREWELL STEVIE

    Steven Gerrard Day didn’t quite go to plan did it? Whilst the fans gave the Liverpool legend a phenomenal send off, the same can’t be said of his underperforming teammates who metaphorically turned up to his leaving party late and didn’t talk to anyone before sheepishly calling an early cab after fabricating the existence of another party they had to get to. We know that Gerrard has been a passenger for most of the season (on several occasions you could see him adjusting his headphones for the in-flight entertainment), but he deserved better than what he got on Saturday.

    — Sky Sports News HQ (@SkySportsNewsHQ) May 17, 2015

    Perhaps the biggest party pooper of them all was Glenn Murray. Late in the second half the Crystal Palace forward smashed in a penalty to secure a historic win for the Eagles. It wasn’t Murray scoring that was the problem, it was that he had the temerity to take the penalty at all when the world was crying out for him to give the ball to Stevie G.

    With Liverpool turning in one of their most lacklustre performances of the season, the penalty effectively represented Gerrard’s last chance to score in front of his beloved fans. The fact it would have been an own goal is irrelevant – the sight of Gerrard ferociously pulverising the ball past a perplexed Simon Mignolet and thudding the club crest in joy in front of a roaring Kop would have been sweet enough. Shame on you Glenn, shame on you.

    LOYAL UNTIL THE LAST

    There’s a heck of a lot Off The Bar will miss about Gerrard – the box-to-box sprints, the white-knuckle tackles and the thunderous long distance strikes that have played havoc with the UK military radar for nearly two decades.

    Above all, we will always admire Steven Gerrard’s loyalty. For so long he has personified a rare display of devotion in the modern game — no matter the temptations to try something new, no matter the endless chances to try something better, he has steadfastly stood by one thing — his buzz cut haircut.

    He’ll always be remembered fondly as a player who represented follicle inflexibility, a player who refused to have his head turned unless it was being shaved and a player who stood by his smooth scalp through thick and thin, well thin and thin.

    SUPERMANE

    Southampton’s Sadio Mane netted a rather snappy hat-trick against Aston Villa – all three goals coming in just 2 minutes 56 seconds, a Premier League record no-less. Many have said it is a record that will never be broken, but fear not — for as long as Tim Sherwood is living and breathing (and continues to play wingbacks and no defencive midfield cover) there will always be hope.

    Back to the Mane man – it was astonishing stuff from the Senegalese striker…and also slightly disappointing. Despite achieving a metronomic goal scoring rhythm he appeared to take his foot off the gas after the third and pity the Aston Villa’s back four/back two.

    Slacking: Sadio Mane.

    If he had simply continued his rate of scoring every three minutes he would have gone on to hit the back of the net 78 more times before the final whistle – that’s just 4 less hat-tricks than Messi has scored for Barca and 9 more goals than Suarez notched up in his Liverpool career.  You have to strike while the iron is hot Sadio! Sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. 

    Despite securing their Premier League status, the remarkable 6-1 result was a reality check for the Aston Villa fans who hadn’t previously been privy to the drawbacks of Tim Sherwood’s kamikaze tactics – it couldn’t have been a bigger wake up call for them unless they were awoken by a cruise ship foghorn before immediately partaking in the ice bucket challenge without prior consent, all finished off with a topless Nigel Pearson engaging them in a boxing sparring session.

    The Heat Is On For Newcastle

    Just when you think Newcastle United’s performance levels can’t plummet any further they manage to bend their backs that inch more to stoop to a new low (the advantage of being completely spineless certainly helps achieve this impressive feat). That new low was losing to a relegated QPR side – a team who hadn’t won at home for several millennia and had nothing beyond contractual obligations and a free canteen lunch to turn up for.

    After the game, manager John Carver cited the hot weather as a key obstacle to victory. He said: “I cannot fault the lads for their effort again in a hot and warm climate.”

    After we realised that the game had actually taken place in West London and not in the sub-tropical Manaus, it was quickly apparent that Coloccini and co were competing in a very ordinary, dare we say chilly, 62 Fahrenheit – that’s not quite in the realms of the dehydration mecca of USA World Cup 1994 is it? 

    Week after week Carver says he his working hard to ‘get the team moving in one direction.’  It would seem that this motivational sentiment is working but exclusively for the sun — the rather toasty star must be drawing slightly closer to Carver than anyone else on planet Earth. That is the only explanation here. Heaven forbid the thermostat reaches 70F next Sunday against West Brom – we might see Carver, fearful his squad may melt into the turf, call his team off the pitch before hosing them down one by one as they march bemused down the tunnel.  To be fair, this is just the last day of the season twist the Premier League desperately needs.

    Thank You Phil

    Our final words of this week pick up on the Manchester United vs Arsenal match, where we must commend Phil Jones for pulling off the most Phil Jones act possible – an incredibly cumbersome yet brave last-ditch ‘tackle’ that saw him head the ball to safety despite falling to the ground with all the grace of King Kong tumbling down the Empire State Building.

    This was Phil Jones². In a match that was about as pointless as a fight between two bald men over a comb, it was a shining light of joy. Thank you Phil.

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