Off The Bar: Man U's tribute to Moyes & QPR's homesickness

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  • Manchester United boss Louis van Gaal has the same number of points as David Moyes did at this stage last season. Spooky.

    In the cash-rich world of modern football, there is plenty of room for cynicism. Sport360 has it for you in abundance every Monday, as we take a sideways glance at the Premier League action.

    REMEMBERING MOYES

    “A man without principles can’t go far in life,” an ancient bearded philosopher once said. (I can’t confirm or deny this veracity of this quote, but still…) It was therefore of no surprise to anyone with the proverbial footballing brain when Louis van Gaal returned Manchester United to his tried but not tested 3-5-2 formation. You really have to admire his unwavering devotion to proving Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity correct. Chris Smalling, not one to shy away from an audition for slapstick defending, was at his best against Southampton on Sunday. Slipping in the first half (apparently his farewell message to the departing Steven Gerrard), he continuously pulled Graziano Pelle’s shirt at every corner. Top professional, this guy.

    Mata, too, was in fine form, missing two gilt-edged chances as United pushed for an equaliser late on. His best bit of business, however was hitting out at the advertising hoardings after his first miss. Then came Van Gaal’s tactical ingenuity, taking off the largely anonymous Di Maria for Marouane Fellaini in what was an attempt to honour David Moyes for that memorable game against Fulham this time last season. “Hoof the ball towards the big man in the box and we’ll be just fine.” Not only is the Dutchman a true believer in his own methods, he’s also a historian, keeping in mind important dates in the history of this illustrious club. What’s not to love about him. At the end of the day, United ended up with more crosses than St Peter’s Basilica. Southampton may have won, but United won our hearts with that performance in honour of Moyes’ legacy.

    THE ‘NEW MANAGER EFFECT’

    “All the teams in the bottom eight or nine, none of the managers deserve the sack,” Harry Redknapp bellowed in early December, admonishing the chairmen of the clubs in the bottom eight or nine, or perhaps, the cynical among you might say, a coded ‘Please Don’t Sack Me’ plea directed towards his own chairman, Tony Fernandes.

    Crystal Palace at the time were in serious trouble, with Neil Warnock leading them admirably towards the abyss, blaming everything from rotten luck to poor officiating. Palace chairman Steve Parish, ignoring Redknapp’s prophetic warnings, jumped the gun and gave Warnock his P45. Almost simultaneously, everyone at West Brom woke up from their drunken slumber to relieve Alan Irvine of his post. Who’d have thought hiring a man who is woefully out of depth at Premier League level was a bad idea. Palace hired quiet, retiring type Alan Pardew while the Baggies went for the man most suited for a relegation dogfight, Tony Pulis. Therefore it was understandable that the entire universe was waiting to see how these men would fare in their respective debuts.

    Pulis weaved the magic that is evidently hidden under his hat and led West Brom to a 1-0 win over Hull, who continued their comical sleepwalking into the bottom three. Pardew turned up in style to defeat Tottenham for the second time this season having already beaten Spurs earlier with Newcastle. This was his way of telling us all that the first win was no fluke, just in case there were any Doubting Thomases out there.

    So there you have it, Premier League chairmen, the only solution to getting out of trouble is sacking your manager. Redknapp may preach otherwise, but Parish and Jeremy Peace have shown us that sacking your manager is indeed backed by science. Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha (Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V) must be licking his lips at the prospect of turning Leicester City’s season around. Just don’t call Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

    QPR, THE TRUE UNDERDOGS

    Forget Everton vs Manchester City or Manchester United playing Southampton, the most eye-catching fixture of the weekend was played at Turf Moor as QPR travelled all the way to Burnley. Could Sean Dyche’s team continue their mini-resurgence despite injuries finally catching up with a thin squad? Could Redknapp’s band of over-paid incompetents make Premier League history to become the only side ever to lose its first ten away games? Could Danny Ings or Charlie Austin deliver a knockout blow to each other’s dreams of becoming the latest in a long list of players with only one England cap? These questions were begging to be answered and the world, well the purists among us, waited with bated breath.

    QPR miss playing at Loftus Road like Harry Redknapp misses the transfer window for nine months of the year.

    QPR did not disappoint as they went down 2-1, mustering all the imagination of a wet towel to continue the most chronic case of home sickness ever witnessed in football. “I know things were tight so it is no surprise. If I go to Tony then I’m sure I could ask for one more loan, maybe. He knows it’s hard, there is no point in him saying that he will throw money at it as there are no guarantees even if you spend £30 million,” said ‘Arry, playing the role of the underprivileged underdog. Who could blame him? How can anyone in their right senses expect him to keep this club up when he was allowed to spend a miserly Dh200 million (£35.5m) in the summer with a wage bill that dwarfs Atletico Madrid and Borussia Dortmund’s? QPR need a striker, don’t you see? And he’s only been allowed to bring in Mauro Zarate on loan, when he so desperately wants a third reunion (or fourth, we’re losing count) with Jermaine Defoe. Christopher Samba was signed for Dh70 million (£12.5m) and handed a Dh550k (£100k)/week contract back in January 2013 and that didn’t even save the Rs from the ignominy of relegation. How’s he supposed to cope without money now? Spare a thought for the poor man.

    LET’S GET PHYSICAL

    Stoke travelled to North London with only one plan in mind, If you can’t beat them, then beat them. Beat them off the pitch, elbow them in the jaw, anything but play actual football. Their defending was comic at best but Stoke stuck admirably to their principle, first with Marko Arnautovic helping Mathieu Debuchy unto the advertising hoardings to ensure there was no respite for Arsenal’s ever-busy treatment table. Then came Peter Crouch’s moment in the limelight, with the beanpole striker elbowing Nacho Monreal in the face. A great man once said that if football can’t be good then it should be funny and Asmir Begovic wasn’t about to let this moment pass him by. After pulling off save after save in the first period, the Bosnian then allowed Alexis Sanchez’s tame free-kick to slip from his grasp. It was like watching your four –year-old cousin navigate a slippery surface: you pitied him but couldn’t help laughing.

    WHAT WE LEARNED

    If Eliaquim Mangala is worth Dh188 million (£34m), then it isn’t too late for any of us to pursue a career in football, as long as we employ Jorge Mendes as our agent. The Frenchman, with all due respect, is an ongoing scam.

    Romelu Lukaku and Wayne Rooney seem to be in a two-way battle to determine which of them has the poorer first touch. While Rooney has a first touch heavier than stone, the Belgian is undoubtedly heads and shoulders above at the moment, as his can only be classified as a crime against humanity. Watch this space as we bring you the latest updates of this intriguing battle.

    Aanu Adeoye is a freelance football writer. Follow him on Twitter: @aanuadeoye

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