What do you get the man that has everything?
Tom Brady turns 41 on Friday, and it must be impossible for his friends and family to get him gifts he’s really excited about. The New England Patriots quarterback has five Super Bowl rings, more money than he knows what to do with, incredibly good looks, a beautiful wife and family, and the undying love of the New England area. A tie is probably not going to move the needle.
Better to get a little creative. Here’s 10 free ideas for Brady’s coaches, teammates and loved ones.
Get it? Because he’s old. Like, really old. Seriously, he’s 41 and still playing football – a sport that has one of the shortest shelf lives because of its unforgiving nature. Sure, Brady’s a quarterback so he’s not involved in collisions every play like others are, but his longevity is impressive nonetheless.
Just make sure to put tennis balls on the walker’s legs.
The man threw for over 500 yards in a Super Bowl and still lost. It certainly wasn’t his fault.
3. Avocado ice cream
Laugh all you want at Brady’s weird diet and unwillingness to eat strawberries, but his enjoyment of avocado ice cream is perfectly acceptable. Have you ever tried avocado ice cream? It’s delicious.
4. Air pump
A Deflategate joke! How novel.
A ‘Brady dropped the ball joke’! Remember, the best way to disarm your haters is by making fun of yourself.
6. Bubble wrap for Gronk
This was a must before Julian Edelman’s four-game suspension for violating the league’s policy on performance-enhancing drugs, but even more so now.
Rob Gronkowski is to Brady as the giant android body is to Krang, the supervillain from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He’s the Lennie to Brady’s George. Outside of Randy Moss, Gronk is the best receiver the Patriots quarterback has had in his career and someone that is crucial to his success in however many years he has left.
Protect him at all costs.
Come to think of it, a tie is a perfect gift for Brady. He’s a dad and it’s as ‘dad gift’ as it gets.
Plus, it’s funny because it’s so… plain. Oh, Giselle got you a yacht? Pfft. How original. Check out this tie.
8. Access to Patriots players and facilities for Alex Guerrero, Brady’s friend and trainer
Because this worked out so well last time.
9. Super Bowl against San Francisco
There isn’t much left for Brady to accomplish as a player, but beating the 49ers, the team he grew up rooting for, would be a nice cherry on top.
Add in the chance to beat Jimmy Garoppolo, Brady’s student-turned-foe who went on record as saying he felt he was the better quarterback during his time in New England, and you have all the makings for an epic showdown.
Yes, a literal goat. Reunite the man with his own kind. It’s the least you can do.
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